Is A Controlling Relationship
Part Of Your Problem ?
Couples in controlling relationships; usually have no idea that they're even in one. Let me tell you a little about my situation with my spouse. If you would have asked me five or even 10 years ago if I was controlling, I would have said ‘no way’. I looked upon myself as a good husband and father. Now if you would've asked my wife the same question you may have received a different answer. Her eyes see things much differently than mine; understand this and you’ve won half the battle. I had never tried to stop my wife from doing anything with physical action, so how could I be controlling? This is how most people view a controlling nature, but it is seldom this easy to see. Mine was much less obvious, so much I didn’t see it myself. It's very hard sometimes to see signs of a controlling relationship.
And it's not just controlling husbands, wives can also be controlling.
I'll give you a few examples; there would be times when she would go out with her friends. And if she stayed out very late I would expect a phone call, okay kind of demand it. Then I would get very upset when she wouldn't call me at all. She said to me ‘I made her feel like I was her father and not her husband’. I didn't understand at the time that this was a very controlling trait. I looked at it as just being respectful to me. But of course people see things through their own eyes, and her eyes were telling her that I was trying to control her like a parent. It goes without saying it was not good for our relationship, nobody wants to be told what to do.
If a friend asked you to do something, like help them with the project or move furniture in their house. This would probably not be an issue at all; you would quickly go over there and help them. But if that same friend told you to come over and move some furniture or demanded you help them finish their project. You would probably resist, because it's one thing to ask, and another to be told. This subtle but definite change in the way things are presented can be the difference between a demand and request. We all like to help out friends in need, but nobody wants to be told what to do. People who tend to control, do this out of fear. In my case it was worried that she was drifting away, whether she was or wasn’t doesn’t matter. The point is, what I was doing by trying to get her to call me, was actually pushing her away farther.
I was sealing my fate, by holding on too tight I was actually losing her.
A controlling relationship is not as easy to spot as you might think.
You have to look for signs from your spouse. They will start to resist every attempt you make to get your relationship going back in the right direction.
The only thing you can do at this point is to back off and give them their space. If you try to control the relationship farther you will only push them away. Anger will not work, so control your anger. It's the fear of losing your spouse that is causing you to react in this manner. Tell yourself that things will be fine. Make believe things are okay and ignore the negative. When you do this you are allowing good things to creep back in. I know none of these things are easy; I still deal with these issues myself. Fortunately it's not a daily occurrence, and I usually find out my fears have no foundation. I know it's hard to have trust when your relationship has gone south, but you must find a way. The alternative would be disastrous, and you will only relive this with somebody else some other time. So pay attention to signs of a controlling relationship. If you would like updates to this site, please subscribe to my blog.
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